Is it Worth it to Confront Your Child's Coach

Sports parents often have an above average opinion of their child's sport skills, with many believing their child has star qualities. It is very common to have parents tell me that they believe their child had very "special" talent when their kids were, in my opinion, average players. It is OK and natural to think highly of one's own, but a problem is created when they are being unrealistic with their expectations. Believing a child has star qualities when they do not, often leads to unnecessary confrontations with the player's coach. The concern that the coach is treating their kid unfairly causes parents to feel like the coach is inhibiting their kid's future in the sport. This leads them to deciding whether it is worth it to confront the coach.

Parents who are unhappy with the coach feel like their child can be a star player if it was not for the coach. Unfortunately, this attitude often puts kid athletes in a bad situation. Parents project their unhappiness with the coach in front of their kids, and eventually this type attitude becomes the young players attitude. If parents did not create this negative attitude, the young players would not have felt anything negative about their playing situation. Most youth athletes are happy with their role and being a member of the team. 

This is not meant to say that some parents do not have a legitimate gripe about the coach. However, parents should do their best to keep it all in perspective with the understanding that the coach is doing the best they are capable of and their child's long-range career will not be affected. Situations when coaches are not what players or parents expect are great teaching moments for parents. Explaining the non-ideal situation to kids in a positive manner will help kids learn to deal with unpleasant situations in their future.

Of course, there are still many parents that are convinced that their kids are being slighted and feel like they have to do something to help their kid's future. This brings up the dilemma of if, when and how parents should confront their kid's coach.


Parents should confront the coach when the child is the one very upset and not because the parents are the upset ones. Sports parents should look for the following situations to know if their son or daughter is unhappy with the coach.
 A. When kids have a hard time eating or sleeping because of their sports situation

B. When kids come home crying from the coach's treatment on more than one occasion

C. When their child is so upset that they want to quit playing



Before approaching their player's coach, parents should keep in mind the following:

1. A player's talent will come to the forefront eventually.  


2. Learning to play a position they normally do not play almost always will help players in the end.

3. Volunteer coaches should not be expected to be experts with their knowledge of the game or with their ability to lead a team. Even great coaches at the professional or collegiate levels run into problems even with years of coaching experience.

4. Parents should not take it personal when a coach seems to slight a player.

When parents feel like they have no alternative to approaching the coach for the good of their child here are suggestions on how and when to do it.



1. Parents should not email the coach with their concerns. This impersonal method of email communication may lead to things written or implied that adults regret later. This type communication often leads to an inflammation of the situation, instead of an attempt at a resolution. 



2.Parents should meet with the coach in a setting away from the field and not immediately after games, when possible.



3. This meeting should be away from any players or team members' parents and ideally at a neutral site over coffee or lunch.



4. When parents meet with the coach, they should do so with an open mind, while letting the coach know that you have the best interest of the kids in mind.



5. When possible, get to know the coach a little better with small talk before delving into your concerns.



6. Parents should then explain their perception of the unfair situation in a concerned but non-threatening manner and listen and discuss the coach's perception. When confronted in this manner, often a resolution can be attained with greater respect and friendship resulting from the honest discussion. 



When a solution is not agreed upon, it is important for parents and players to realize that they may have to make the most of an unpleasant situation, especially when playing alternatives are not beneficial to a player's future in the sport. Allowing kids to quit the team or pulling them off a team because of the coach should be a very last resort. Of course, it is never good to force a young player into playing if their heart is not into it.

It is also important that parents not mention their negative feelings about the coach in front of their kids, and especially with kids who do not seem affected by the coach's decisions. Once a young player or their parent begins to show a negative attitude towards the coach, the coach will often take it out on the player with less playing time or ignoring the player altogether. This obviously makes a bad situation even worse so parents should not let on how unhappy they are with the coach to their kids.



Finally, youth sport coaches should make it clear to parents at the beginning of the season that if they (parents) have any serious concerns, they should come talk to the coaches so the kids are not the ones to suffer through an unhappy season.