Relationship Counseling - How to Steer Clear of What Causes Relationships to Breakdown

There is plenty of speculation regarding a lack of love or commitment as being primary sources for what causes relationship breakdown. Although these can both be contributing factors, I don't believe they constitute the foundational problems modern couples face. Most people are at a loss to explain why relationships are so difficult, in spite of the fact that the majority of couples commit to marriage with the intention of having a long and happy life together. Sadly, good intentions aren't enough.

Then why do so many relationship breakdowns exist?

When one or both of the partners lack the necessary skills to make the relationship work harmoniously, the relationship breaks down.

Throughout our lives, it is normal to get training for all kinds of things. Whether it's riding a bike, learning how to swim or taking courses to earn a diploma or degree, we consider education in these areas of our lives to be normal and healthy.

Imagine for a moment that you are in need of a job and I have agreed to help you find one. I know of a business that is hiring in their accounting department and I phone you to tell you about it. I suggest you go apply. I know the manager and I'll talk to her myself. You emphatically state that you have no training in accounting and therefore know very little about it. I convince you to go and apply for the position anyway. Now, let's assume that due to some miracle you got the job, what's the likelihood of you succeeding at it? Is there much chance your new employer would be satisfied with your work?

Strangely enough though, when it comes to marriage, which is one of the most challenging and simultaneously rewarding of relationships, the majority of people have little or no training.

A sense of embarrassment and shame is commonly felt by people with prolonged relationship problems. This sense of embarrassment prevents countless numbers of people from getting the help they need, from learning new skills that could help them improve their situation dramatically. If people don't feel embarrassed about asking for help with their car repairs, their taxes or the fixing of a leaky roof, why should they feel bad about seeking help for relationship problems?

What makes matters even worse, is that most people's primary reference point for how marriage should be lived out comes from their parents, yet how many people really want a relationship like their parents? Do you want a relationship like your parent's? If you do, consider yourself very lucky as you are one of only a handful.

Like any skills you've learned throughout your life, good relationships skills are very learnable. The desire for a quick fix is the biggest challenge people face. "I want it now!" It's possible to enjoy a quality of relationship that far exceeds what you've experienced in the past, if you can be patient with yourself and stick with the learning process. The question then is...how badly do you want it?

Secondly, the breakdowns go from temporary to permanent when one or both of the partners are unwilling to learn new ways of relating, ways they aren't currently aware of, that may seem very uncomfortable at first, but could help the relationship to grow and thrive.

There's an old saying that "it takes two." I believe when it comes to a relationship breakdown it only takes one. It takes two to make a relationship work and only one to kill it. If one of the people in the dating or marriage relationship is unwilling to learn and expand their knowledge base, then they are in effect, holding the other person hostage.

The good news is these people are rarely acting this way in order to cause intentional harm to their partner. Fear is the root of their opposition to learning. They don't want to appear incompetent or weak, they fear it. They have bought into a lie. Making their life with the opposite sex run smoothly is something they believe should just magically happen.

As I mentioned earlier, it's OK to ask for help with fixing a car, a roof or with one's taxes, but many people see it as unacceptable to seek help with the most emotionally charged relationship they'll ever have: marriage. Why should marriages magically fix themselves when cars don't?