IF there are areas of your life where you just don't seem to be moving forward, despite your best efforts, it may be that you are using energy that is going into a bottomless pit. In other words, somewhere or other, your boundaries are not set correctly. Healthy, appropriate boundary setting can be liberating, changing relationships for the better and freeing up your energy. And it's a learnable skill. Sure, there may be some stormy waters to negotiate, because when you change structures that others have benefited from, they may well complain. But take heart. The kinds of people you want to attract and the situations you dream of are within your grasp – you just need to reset your frameworks to include them and exclude the rest!
It's very often the case that you may be having difficulty recognizing what behaviours are supporting you and which are inappropriate. This is very common, because you will tend to have modeled what you think is O.K. based on your own early conditioning. You may get respect in some areas and not in other areas. you may be willing to tolerate rudeness, pain, abuse of your rights and bad behaviour because that's been the norm for you. It may take a while for you to sift through to your true feelings to start to create a picture of what is good for YOU. You may need time to recognise when something hurts you - or damages your self-esteem: your finances: your family: or your physical self, and that's absolutely fine. The main thing to do, is to start the process and treat it as an on-going effort.
But where do you start? I would suggest that you begin by highlighting one area in your life in which you are currently unhappy, drained, resentful or angry. Don't over face yourself by picking the biggest issue to start with - unless you are ready for a big change . You need to honestly examine the following factors: -
What is it EXACTLY about the situation that you don't like? (e.g. the way you feel: the consequences of it: the effects on others.)
What is making you feel angry, sad, threatened, suffocated or victimized?
What is it that you get from acting the way you do now? (e.g. avoiding confrontation: maintaining peace: feeling safe: etc.)
What could you say or do differently to change the situation – without losing your self-esteem? (e.g. speak up for yourself: respond differently: say "no": say "yes", ask for help)
How could you speak up for yourself in a way that feels safe and respectful.
How could you act in a way that supports you and your needs?
What would you do if you were not scared or tired, and how would you do it in such a way that you do not harm yourself or anyone else (and by harm I do not mean you cannot be angry: By this I mean you need to recognise natural feelings of resentment or spite and avoid using them to manipulate, hurt or deceive in order to set your new boundary).
I suggest you do this at a time when you are not 'triggered' by the situation. It's important to find a time when you feel calm, and have some space to think things through. Writing down your answers, just jotting a few key words even – can be very revealing and helpful.
It's very useful to seek out groups, or people, who model the kinds of attitudes and behaviors you would like to develop, and ask for their support. I have found that by sharing some of my "stories" with others I learn a lot. Healthy networks and friends can teach and support you in so many ways, if you are willing to share your issues.
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